How to Reclaim Your Intimacy During COVID-19

Maintaining and reclaiming intimacy is never easy even when the rest of life is going smoothly. Our current struggle to understand and manage the uncertainty of the Coronavirus Pandemic makes it even harder to put our partners anywhere but at the bottom of our long list of priorities. Maybe it’s time to reclaim your relationships. One way to do that is to carve out a few sacred moments each day. Consider going on daily 10-minute dates and recall your partner of yesterday while getting to know your partner of today. 

How does it work? Each person dedicates ten minutes completely and exclusively to their partner. This means you will have two 10-minute dates each day, one for each partner. Busy households consisting of multiple people find this easiest at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. Are you feeling a little overwhelmed about one more thing to learn, relearn, and implement? No worries! A quick yet deeply meaningful way to both know your partner and be known by your partner is by asking each other the 36 Questions developed by Arthur Aron and his research partners designed to foster vulnerability and intimacy. According to Aron and his associates a key element in developing and maintaining close relationships is sustaining and deepening mutual, personal self-disclosure. 

When thinking of where to have your date; make sure the date location is not in the same physical space as you or your partner’s work from home space. The location can be fun and creative or as simple as spending 10 minutes together on the front porch. The only rule is the focus of the date completely on listening to your partner’s responses to the questions and not on the long lists of things each of you have to do. Start with just asking one of the 36 questions. You can ask each other the same question each day or you can mix it up a bit and pick a different question. You may find it will be more fun and spontaneous to ask different questions so you both have the opportunity to be equally spontaneous. The questions are divided into three sets. It works best if you work your way through the question sets in order, even though you may decide to ask each other different questions from within each set. Get ready and make your first date!

Below are the questions referred to in the Blog. Please feel free to print the PDF and take it with you on your first date. Happy dating. 

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love, and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ... "

26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

About the Author:

Claudia Nell Hawley, Apprentice is an unlicensed psychotherapist pursuing a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary. Working alongside clients in her former career as a realtor instilled in Claudia a deep empathy, and a sincere desire to serve couples, families and individuals in the journey through depression, anxiety, and fear to healing, connection, and self-worth. Claudia spends her free time cooking for friends, capturing the beauty of Colorado with her camera, and reading.